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It sounds simple, but why is it so hard? And we stall. Generally speaking, if someone practices piano daily for two years, they will eventually become quite competent at it. Yet many people spend most of their lives datinb one romantic failure after another. Why dating and not, say, skiing? Or even our careers?
If mom was over-protective and dad was never around, that will form part of our map for love and intimacy. If we were manipulated or tormented by our siblings and peers, that will imprint itself as part of our self-image. If mom was an alcoholic and dad was screwing around with other women, it will stay with us. These imprints will not only affect, but define, all of our future romantic and sexual relationships as adults. You and I and everyone else have met hundreds, if not thousands, of people.
Out of those thousands, multiple hundreds easily met our physical criteria for a mate. Yet out of those hundreds, we fall in love with a very few.
Only a handful we meet in our entire lives ever grab us on that gut-level, where we lose all rationality and control and lay awake at night thinking about them. One might be perfect on paper. Psychologists believe that romantic love occurs when our unconscious becomes exposed to someone who matches the archetype of parental love we experienced growing up, someone whose behavior matches our emotional map for intimacy.
Our unconscious is always seeking to return to the unconditional nurturing we received as children, and to re-process and heal the traumas we suffered. In short, our unconscious is wired to seek out romantic interests who it believes will fulfill our unfulfilled emotional needs, to fill in the gaps of the love and nurturing we missed out on as kids. This is why the people we fall in love with almost always resemble our parents on an emotional level.
This is also why dating and relationships are so painful and difficult for so many of us, particularly if we had strained familial relationships growing up. Unlike playing the piano or learning a language, our dating and sex lives are inextricably bound to our emotional needs, and when we get into potentially intimate or sexual situations, these experiences rub up against our prior traumas causing us anxiety, neuroticism, stress and pain.
Think about this. Someone no-shows for a regular business meeting with you. How do you feel? Annoyed likely. Maybe a tad disrespected. Now, imagine someone you are extremely attracted to no-shows for a date. Like you just got used and led on and shat on. Maybe you freak out and call them and leave angry voicemails. Maybe you continue to call them weeks or months later, getting blown off over and over again, feeling worse and worse each time.
Or maybe you just get depressed and mope about it on Facebook or some dating forum. Every irrational fear, emotional outburst or insecurity you have in your dating life is an imprint on your emotional map from your relationships growing up. The list goes on and on. All of these issues have deep-seated roots in your unconscious, your unfulfilled emotional needs and traumas.
Disassociating From Our Emotions A common way we bypass dealing with the emotional stress involved in dating is by disassociating our emotions from intimacy and sex. If we shut off our need for intimacy and connection, then our sexual actions no longer rub up against our emotional maps and we can greatly diminish the neediness and anxiety we once felt while still reaping the superficial benefits.
It takes time and practice, but once disassociated from our emotions, we can enjoy the sex and validation of dating without concerns for intimacy, connection, and in some cases, ethics. Here are common ways we disassociate dating from their emotions: You can objectify people as sex objects, professional work objects, social objects, or none of the above.
You might objectify someone for sex, status or influence. The same goes for women. Manipulation and games. By engaging in games and manipulation, we withhold our true intentions and identities, and therefore we withhold our emotional maps as well. With these tactics, the aim is to get someone to fall for the perception we create rather than who we really are, greatly reducing the risk of digging up the buried emotional scars of past relationships.
Overuse of humor, teasing, bantering. A classic strategy of distraction. This is most typical of English-speaking cultures — men and women, straight and gay — as they tend to use sarcasm and teasing as a means to imply affection rather than actually showing it. Stripclubs, prostitution, pornography. Generally, the more resentment one is harboring, the more one objectifies others. People who had turbulent relationships with their parents, or were abandoned in a previous relationship, or tormented and teased when growing up — these people will likely find it much easier and more enticing to objectify and measure their sex lives than to confront their demons and overcome their emotional scars with the people they become involved with.
Most of us have, at one point or another, disassociated our emotions and objectified someone or entire groups of people for whatever reasons. Confronting Your Issues and Winning Disassociating from your emotional needs is the easy way out. It requires only external effort and some superficial beliefs. Working through your issues and resolving them requires far more blood, sweat and tears.
KakashiiBras Added: In fact, not too long ago, I ran into my "New York mom" and modeling mentor, the Ford Agency''s Mary Duffy, for the first time in four years. With these tactics, the aim is to get someone to fall for the perception we create rather than who we really are, greatly reducing the risk of digging up the buried emotional scars of past relationships.
I lost more than twenty pounds without changing my lifestyle at all. A new place and a new relation can make the life enjoyable. Coming on Too Strong. Too Cool. Currently talking to someone for 4 months now, the very last one I met online. Still, I kept up the strong front, and if you do that long enough you actually do become strong. As I am recalling the information you shared intrigued me.